My old assistant Jen used to get to deal with my “stress” at work. I challenge you with this question. How are you consciously or subconsciously doing angry things? And justifying it as this is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt them? And fIghting with my son about his homework.
My old assistant Jen used to get to deal with my “stress” at work. I challenge you with this question. How are you consciously or subconsciously doing angry things? And justifying it as this is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt them? And fIghting with my son about his homework.
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Transcript: Mischa Z: 00:01 How I saw that I did indeed have covert and subversive anger issues that were covert, meaning covert, meaning I could justify them. Right. I could justify my attitude, my loud voice, my...good afternoon... Uh, my, um, you know, my anger, I had anger issues. And although they weren't, as they weren't blatant enough to, um, you know, get me in literal trouble, but they were definitely bad enough to, I don't know if bad enough is the right word. I mean, good, bad. You know, what's the universe got an order in the store anyway. Let's just say that it definitely made for uncomfortable situations with my wife, with my boys. I have two boy. Um, relationships at work. I raise my voice at work. It was okay for Misha to yell across the office at somebody that I needed something.
Mischa Z: 01:30 Like, that's just, that's just not passive aggressive. That's aggressive, aggressive. Right. So if you're yelling across your office or across your house at people for things, um, uh, that's aggressive. And perhaps there's some, um, covert, anger, anger. But it's not for me to tell you that you figure it out on your own. We're talking about me here. So, you know, yes. I had an assistant at work named Jen. And Jen and I would passionately ask for things, um, meaning I would yell or raise my voice, or if things got tense in the mortgage business, which it can, I could be very stern and, uh, and then just, you know, that's not cool. Um, any more, I don't think that's cool. You know, like we, I try to come with love as much as possible, like tough love what the hell is tough love, you know, like that.
Mischa Z: 02:58 I was thinking about it as I'd written down covert anger as a topic like it's like when your parents may have spanked you or you spank your kids or are, you know...this is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me. So I would challenge anybody listening to be like, okay, well I'm not spanking anybody. I'm my kids are out of the house or how are you consciously or subconsciously doing angry things and justifying it as if you think about it and look deeply at it, this is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me? Such a funny thought. So, anyhow, I'm a holy mackerel walking up a steep hill as I'm recording this, I will stop for a second.
Mischa Z: 04:05 So when it really came to a head for me, and again, let's say as well, like, you know, not to beat this into the ground or beat a dead horse. It's funny the terms I'm using when I'm talking about covert, anger, um, you know. If you hear, um, you raise your voice and then your response is no, I'm just speaking passionately. Well, maybe you want to look at that. Those are issues that I would have. People would be like, yo Misha, you don't need the raise your voice. And I'd be like, I'm not raising my voice. I'm just speaking passionately. And so I try to be aware of that today. So that can be from wives, kids, friends, Heil, if you're screaming at the TV, cause you liked to watch watch news. And then your family gets to hear you angrily scream at the TV. Well, maybe you should contemplate whether you want that energy flying around your house or right enough out of me in that regard. So the, I would help my son Waylon with this homework and, uh, you know, went through a divorce. Um, and so being at least a 50% dad, I all the sudden was thrust into opportunities when Waylon was nine, no seven when Waylon was seven and Cooper was nine to start helping with homework.
Mischa Z: 05:51 You know, in hindsight, I probably could have just hired a tutor and then kept my anger issues. So maybe my thrifty nature of, um, I actually just was looking forward to helping, but I don't know if looking forward is the right word, but yeah. I'll help my kids with their homework, you know? Um, yeah, so funny, Hey, if you've got kids out there and you're fighting with them, hire a tutor and then you can, you can, um, keep your anger issues. So anyway, that's such a funny thought. So I would... Cooper got the school system much sooner. So he was very low maintenance. Like he, he was just like, yeah, I get it. I know what the needs to be done. I can get it done. This, that, and the other. Waylon was a different story. Um, while he was two years behind. So maybe he, the light bulb went off at the same time.
Mischa Z: 07:02 It did age wise as Cooper, but, uh, I would fight with Waylon. And I think anybody listening that has fought with their kids about homework. Uh, common responses, they get, well, all parents do that. Well, that's subversive and covert. That's how we justify it. Perhaps all parents do do that, but that doesn't make it right. Or that doesn't mean we shouldn't learn how to do it less. Or that doesn't mean we shouldn't figure out how to have the same conversations with love. And why does it have to be frustrating? I think those are great questions. And I would challenge you that not every parent fights with their kids about homework. We find the people who will say yes, I do that too.
Mischa Z: 08:06 Anyway, I'm not here to browbeat myself or anybody else. I'm sure all of us to justify it have had moments where we have fought with our kids about homework. Or you could, if you don't have kids, you can think about where you've fought with people and you know, I'd be like, why did I fight about that? I swear I won't do it again Waylon. I won't yell to the point of where you're sobbing in tears, right? Like that's just not cool. I, I would, I'm going to end this episode with this and we're obviously going to have to go on to part five, but I'm very lucky as a father to have had two experiences,
Speaker 2: 08:55 First experience was, um, demand, respect come with more angry, more angry, aggressive my way or the highway type of stance. And I had this moment of clarity of what if I tried it with love and what's the fear of letting all that anger go and truly coming at it, lovingly. And I've got to do both paths. And so I've got cool results. Anyway, look for part five. I think it is peace out.