Robert and I were having a conversation a few days before… He’d had some stressors in his life. Job change, dad passing, kid issues. Talking about life as A Type’ish dads and then things can go sideways. And I thought we needed to record an episode. What the heck let’s turn it into three. In part one his daughters “suicidality” forces him to look at Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and it changes his life. And so much more…
Robert and I were having a conversation a few days before… He’d had some stressors in his life. Job change, dad passing, kid issues. Talking about life as A Type’ish dads and then things can go sideways. And I thought we needed to record an episode. What the heck let’s turn it into three.
In part one his daughters “suicidality” forces him to look at Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and it changes his life. And so much more…
Episode notes:
It starts with his daughters suicidality… What tools did you use? Cognitive Behavior Therapy. (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). They both have been very powerful for him and his daughter. DBT has allowed him to focus on the things that are real and when things are difficult to be able to do some really strong skills around observation and to react accordingly. And part of that is not making it worse…
Helps him with communication especially in difficult situations. “It’s applicable in business and everyday life”… “Darn I wish I had done this 15 years ago instead of now.”
His kids are 16 to 21. Had 4 kids in 5 years. A “pretty structured household”. There is a “duty roster”. What happens when there’s resistance? “My job as a parent is to keep you safe and I only have to provide you up to 2500 calories a day…” Looking back I perhaps would have used DBT. You can still be assertive but you don’t have to react to it.
“What it does is take the edge of… it certainly allows me to not get riled up”. Helps with the anger triggers.
Helps him see what’s important to his son. Truly understanding his kids perspective on things. And most importantly he is coming at it from a calm place. And it’s good modeling behavior for his kids. “Radical acceptance”. Do 180 degree of what you would normally do.
One of his kids went to “Wilderness Therapy”. He definitely describes it as a miracle.
…”The time his 12 year old daughter went to cover her ears”. “This has got to stop.”
Starts learning to take accountability for his actions towards his kids. To be able then to shorten the cycle between apologies or not even have it (not have to make apologies in the first place)!
One of the things of DBT is “Not making it worse”.
In a marriage it is really hard. For me as a male “what I said is”. “But what you meant was…” I wan to make sure your perception is my reality. It’s their truth it’s not your truth. Isn’t it amazing that you say this and I hear that?!?!
“If it hadn’t of been for the journey my daughter is going through now I wouldn’t have spent the time to do the DBT skills I have been exposed to. I just wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t take the time.” Some of this is divine. God gives you just what you need at the time.
…it’s no secret we’ve (him and his wife) have been in therapy since before they got married. If it got to an argument ,“I was like I apologize”. That is also really damaging. he’s learning to communicate instead of placate. You can’t give yourself up in a partnership. “It’s not easy man…”
Early on some of the key skills that he and his wife learned. (They did Retrouvaille and Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille is a more intense Marriage Encounter). Being able to cognitively know that feelings just are what they are and no one makes you feel a certain way. You just feel a certain way. So if I’m mad it would never be anyone else’s fault its just a felling that’s come up in me… Now he doesn’t need to take on nearly as much.
All we were doing was triggering each others feelings and never coming to the other person and saying it must suck to feel that way. Where’s the empathy? We’re in this together, let’s get through it.
There are struggles or moments or events in your life that literally catapult you to the next level or too an awareness to take on skills that will make you take your life better.
You can reach Robert via Email : robertjohnpeterson@gmail.com
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